This will be my daughter's first Christmas and I'm so excited. This has been a really rough year and as I mention many times to any who actually listen, she has been my bright star throughout this turbulent time. Yea, it's a cliche, but it's true. Eleven months old and she's is the best thing to ever happen to me.
What am I getting my daughter this year? Her first Christmas present from her mommy?
I have no idea.
I know that she's getting lots of "stuff" from her grandparents and aunties, but both of her parents are broke as hell. I mean...broke as hell. Checking that list once, twice...three times won't help my budget. I'm glad she's so young because it would break my heart for my daughter to ask for something I can't give her. That's life though...I didn't get everything I wanted as a kid, but I wanted to do better than my parents did for me. However, we had great Christmases growing up...I want the same for my daughter. That's why it was so important to me to put up a Christmas tree. My first as an adult. My baby's first in this lifetime.
Our tree is beautiful. It belonged to my mom (she had about three...Mama LOOOVED Christmas lol) and I even used some of her decorations on the tree and to decorate my front door. She had so many decorations saved up from purchases over the years, I'd bet I could have done my entire tree with just her stuff...and I had plenty of decorations left in the bag that I did get from her house.
My baby woke up from her evening nap as I was decorating the tree. I lit it up and brought her into the living room to see it. She cracked up in glee. That made me feel so good...It made her happy and she seems to love it. Whenever I bring her near the tree she does the same little chuckles and just stares at it. I can't wait to tell her what Christmas means. That way when she feels that warm feeling and chuckles with absolute glee at all the lights and decorations, she will know what it all means and why everyone feels that same lovely spirit.
Perhaps that's the "gift" I can give her for Christmas. I can start her memories of happiness and love at Christmas time...and teach her how to keep it throughout the year. Mommy needs help with that...so, it will be a great way to teach her as I learn myself.
Yea. A little cheesy, but that's how I roll. :)
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Sistah Know: The Challenge
Came across the following quote:
When things don’t go your way, when things go “wrong”, and especially if you do not seem to currently have enough money, do not attach a story or sense of self worth to your circumstances. ( on December 5, 2010)
My circumstances at this time suck and I feel so down about myself because of it. The hardest thing I've had to do in a while is take this quote to heart. I've always felt I had "potential". Yet, it's not realized at this moment in my mind. I know my circumstances could be worse, but I want them better before it hits even lower. I will not allow what I see around me reflect my worth on the inside. I've worked very hard in order to set up a foundation to make my life NOT suck. So, now it's up to me to make sure I put these elements to work for me.
When I look back on this time in my life, I will marvel at the love I have for my daughter because that's the main thing keeping me going. She makes me want to do better, so I will. It's just going to take some time and though I've always been a patient person...my current circumstances is testing me. For real. Testing me BIG TIME. I want things to be right for me and my family NOW. I want out of this apartment NOW. I want a GREAT job NOOOOWWW!
...However, after having opened and filed away my third rejection letter THIS WEEK from the numerous jobs I've applied to recently, I'm not going to get what I want right this minute. According to my file, I've applied to 100 jobs. 100 JOBS! I'm talking everything from cashier to bank executive. Nothing has panned out. I'm scared and frustrated, but I have to hold on to my faith that something will work out for our best interest (my daughter and myself).
That mantra I've quoted above is one I need. I must live it and take it to heart because right about now I'm frustrated and scared about my future. I earned my MBA back in 2008 and ten years earlier earned an undergraduate degree from one of the top schools in the nation; however, I sit in my living room on the computer planning out my "pavement pounding" for the week.
My daughter is my inspiration. She looks at me as though I can do no wrong. I'm not going to let her down.
When things don’t go your way, when things go “wrong”, and especially if you do not seem to currently have enough money, do not attach a story or sense of self worth to your circumstances. ( on December 5, 2010)
My circumstances at this time suck and I feel so down about myself because of it. The hardest thing I've had to do in a while is take this quote to heart. I've always felt I had "potential". Yet, it's not realized at this moment in my mind. I know my circumstances could be worse, but I want them better before it hits even lower. I will not allow what I see around me reflect my worth on the inside. I've worked very hard in order to set up a foundation to make my life NOT suck. So, now it's up to me to make sure I put these elements to work for me.
When I look back on this time in my life, I will marvel at the love I have for my daughter because that's the main thing keeping me going. She makes me want to do better, so I will. It's just going to take some time and though I've always been a patient person...my current circumstances is testing me. For real. Testing me BIG TIME. I want things to be right for me and my family NOW. I want out of this apartment NOW. I want a GREAT job NOOOOWWW!
...However, after having opened and filed away my third rejection letter THIS WEEK from the numerous jobs I've applied to recently, I'm not going to get what I want right this minute. According to my file, I've applied to 100 jobs. 100 JOBS! I'm talking everything from cashier to bank executive. Nothing has panned out. I'm scared and frustrated, but I have to hold on to my faith that something will work out for our best interest (my daughter and myself).
That mantra I've quoted above is one I need. I must live it and take it to heart because right about now I'm frustrated and scared about my future. I earned my MBA back in 2008 and ten years earlier earned an undergraduate degree from one of the top schools in the nation; however, I sit in my living room on the computer planning out my "pavement pounding" for the week.
My daughter is my inspiration. She looks at me as though I can do no wrong. I'm not going to let her down.
Mama Know: Baby Wearing
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Sistah Know: Daddy's Love
Nothing is sexier than a man who takes care of his baby (or babies). It's beautiful and it makes him special.
I'm not just talking about money here. It's great when a man works for his family; I would never undermine how important money is in raising children. They can't grow off air and water. They need all kinds of things to keep them healthy and strong...
Unfortunately, I have discovered in my old age (ha!) that some men have no clue about this and have no intention of caring one way or another. Where are the men who will sit down and feed their babies, change their diapers, and play endless games of "horsie" with them? Where are the men who take their little girls out for "Daddy Dates" to teach them how they are supposed to be treated and how to treat others? Doors opened. Dinner. Conversation where ideas are EXCHANGED. Where are the men who take their little boys out for "Men's Time" to teach them how they are supposed to relate to life AND how to treat others?
If more men spent time doing that for their little girls and boys I think there would be less little girls thinking the way to a boy's heart is to have her booty hanging out of her latest, tight outfit. And more little boys who know how to be gentlemen in any situation.
I think it's true a girl's first love is her daddy. Or it can be. If he's in the picture, he makes a huge impact on how she relates to other people, especially men. If he's not in the picture, she may spend her whole life wondering how the man in her life really sees her and if he's planning to leave her; almost expecting him to leave. This can make her either desperate to keep him or so detached that she doesn't care either way and acts accordingly (this can make for a scary, LONELY lady).
I knew exactly the type of father I wanted for my daughter. He would be the type to take over her care at any given time. He would be the type to give her his heart if he thought she needed it. A stern, but loving father who takes the time to talk to his daughter and take her ideas and thoughts seriously.
Bill Cosby? Nah. Cliff Huxtable? Yeppers. lol.
Am I alone here? Who else envied the hell out of the Huxtable kids? And if you could make up a wish-list of the type of dad (or mom) your kids could have...what qualities would this person possess?
I'm not just talking about money here. It's great when a man works for his family; I would never undermine how important money is in raising children. They can't grow off air and water. They need all kinds of things to keep them healthy and strong...
Unfortunately, I have discovered in my old age (ha!) that some men have no clue about this and have no intention of caring one way or another. Where are the men who will sit down and feed their babies, change their diapers, and play endless games of "horsie" with them? Where are the men who take their little girls out for "Daddy Dates" to teach them how they are supposed to be treated and how to treat others? Doors opened. Dinner. Conversation where ideas are EXCHANGED. Where are the men who take their little boys out for "Men's Time" to teach them how they are supposed to relate to life AND how to treat others?
If more men spent time doing that for their little girls and boys I think there would be less little girls thinking the way to a boy's heart is to have her booty hanging out of her latest, tight outfit. And more little boys who know how to be gentlemen in any situation.
I think it's true a girl's first love is her daddy. Or it can be. If he's in the picture, he makes a huge impact on how she relates to other people, especially men. If he's not in the picture, she may spend her whole life wondering how the man in her life really sees her and if he's planning to leave her; almost expecting him to leave. This can make her either desperate to keep him or so detached that she doesn't care either way and acts accordingly (this can make for a scary, LONELY lady).
I knew exactly the type of father I wanted for my daughter. He would be the type to take over her care at any given time. He would be the type to give her his heart if he thought she needed it. A stern, but loving father who takes the time to talk to his daughter and take her ideas and thoughts seriously.
Bill Cosby? Nah. Cliff Huxtable? Yeppers. lol.
Am I alone here? Who else envied the hell out of the Huxtable kids? And if you could make up a wish-list of the type of dad (or mom) your kids could have...what qualities would this person possess?
Mama Know: Praying Mama
My mama was a praying mama. I remember mornings going into mama's room; usually to ask a question about something I already knew or could easily find out myself, but just HAD to ask Mama because it was easier.
Opening the door and peeking my head in usually found mama near her closet picking out clothes for the day or even sitting on the bed watching TV. However, many mornings I found her kneeling by the side of her bed with her head bowed. I was never sure if she realized I'd walked in on her at that moment, but I always knew not to say a word because we were taught to respect conversations with God.
My lil sister and I were what we referred to as "church kids". Mama had us in church up to three or four times per week for whatever. Girl Scouts, usher board...services...you name it; if there was a service, or one of the limited activities for the youth, we were there.
I've only stepped foot inside of a church for a service one time this year: for my mama's funeral.
Some people would not understand what turns me off from going to church, but I was never comfortable even as a child. I had too many run-ins with nastiness and hypocrisy; and the adults were even worse. I loved music, and although I attended a church with one of the best choirs around with voices straight from heaven...the people behind the voices were often unfriendly and nasty. Being a part of the choir was out of the question. My already low self-esteem would have taken brutal beatings constantly. Yea, even as a child. There was no environment of encouragement where I attended church during my youth. I wasn't a member of the right family and they weren't letting anyone in not related by blood or some other unseen element that I never possessed.
I am no longer angry or bitter over my "church girl" childhood, but as a grown-up, I cringe at the thought of putting my own daughter through it. She's a friendly, happy baby and I know she's going to encounter issues because that's a part of life, but if I can spare her the sort of hurt I experienced during my childhood (many more besides just that as a "church girl")...Then that's my goal.
I will always love gospel music and the peace I feel inside the walls (away from many of the people) during a good church service; even though I'm not 100% in agreement with many of the teachings.
My knees ache from bending so much lately because I'm not only a Praying Woman...I'm also a a Praying Mama like my mama was. I hope I'm the type of mama to teach my daughter about God's love; it's unconditional and complete without judgment or hatred. This can be done through actions. If by chance my daughter gets up to size and indicates that she wants to try attending a church, I will encourage her and even go with her; however, at this point, I don't see myself raising her as a "church girl" per se. I want her to be around a variety of people of a variety of faiths...
Prayer was my mama's peace and mine as well. She had a tough life, but her faith inspired all who came into contact with her. Even though I'm not one to attend church on a regular basis, I do have a relationship with God. One that's as unique as I am and maybe even a little controversial for some:
I consider myself a Pagan Christian. Not very common, and I hate labels, but this one fits me at this time. Yea, I may evolve or change, but it is what it is right now.
Do you attend church regularly? Even as a child? What is your fondest memory or experience with faith?
Opening the door and peeking my head in usually found mama near her closet picking out clothes for the day or even sitting on the bed watching TV. However, many mornings I found her kneeling by the side of her bed with her head bowed. I was never sure if she realized I'd walked in on her at that moment, but I always knew not to say a word because we were taught to respect conversations with God.
My lil sister and I were what we referred to as "church kids". Mama had us in church up to three or four times per week for whatever. Girl Scouts, usher board...services...you name it; if there was a service, or one of the limited activities for the youth, we were there.
I've only stepped foot inside of a church for a service one time this year: for my mama's funeral.
Some people would not understand what turns me off from going to church, but I was never comfortable even as a child. I had too many run-ins with nastiness and hypocrisy; and the adults were even worse. I loved music, and although I attended a church with one of the best choirs around with voices straight from heaven...the people behind the voices were often unfriendly and nasty. Being a part of the choir was out of the question. My already low self-esteem would have taken brutal beatings constantly. Yea, even as a child. There was no environment of encouragement where I attended church during my youth. I wasn't a member of the right family and they weren't letting anyone in not related by blood or some other unseen element that I never possessed.
I am no longer angry or bitter over my "church girl" childhood, but as a grown-up, I cringe at the thought of putting my own daughter through it. She's a friendly, happy baby and I know she's going to encounter issues because that's a part of life, but if I can spare her the sort of hurt I experienced during my childhood (many more besides just that as a "church girl")...Then that's my goal.
I will always love gospel music and the peace I feel inside the walls (away from many of the people) during a good church service; even though I'm not 100% in agreement with many of the teachings.
My knees ache from bending so much lately because I'm not only a Praying Woman...I'm also a a Praying Mama like my mama was. I hope I'm the type of mama to teach my daughter about God's love; it's unconditional and complete without judgment or hatred. This can be done through actions. If by chance my daughter gets up to size and indicates that she wants to try attending a church, I will encourage her and even go with her; however, at this point, I don't see myself raising her as a "church girl" per se. I want her to be around a variety of people of a variety of faiths...
Prayer was my mama's peace and mine as well. She had a tough life, but her faith inspired all who came into contact with her. Even though I'm not one to attend church on a regular basis, I do have a relationship with God. One that's as unique as I am and maybe even a little controversial for some:
I consider myself a Pagan Christian. Not very common, and I hate labels, but this one fits me at this time. Yea, I may evolve or change, but it is what it is right now.
Do you attend church regularly? Even as a child? What is your fondest memory or experience with faith?
Friday, November 19, 2010
Sistahknow's Introduction
When I first signed up for this blog, I had no idea what I wanted to say or how I was going to say it. My life is at a crossroads right now and I have so much going on, but nothing at the same time and would love to reach out to others in the same situation or even as a precautionary tale to those nowhere near where I am.
Let me give you the basics:
Gender: Female; Age: 34; Race: Black/African-American; Height: 5'10; Weight: 285 (weren't expecting THAT kind of honesty, huh? Keep reading.)...
2010 has been a year of major changes in my life. My first (and only) child was born in January (a girl), I lost my job in March (never even got off maternity leave), lost my mom in August, moved into a new apartment in August...had no idea what this would do to my morale and self-esteem. Other things have happened, but these are the major hitters for this year.
I'm going to organize my thoughts by titling my blogs according to my subject matters. That way if you are not interested in reading about my natural hair drama (been naturally curly for more than ten years), then you can skip that blog and go to my "new mommy" blog. Or if you are in the mood to read into my sometimes twisted mind...feel free to just go to my general blog about any-and-everything through my eyes.
Titles:
"Sistah Know" - This will be the title of my main blog. NO telling what's going to be in here.
"Mama Know" - These will cover my adventures into motherhood. My daughter is a little character and I look forward to sharing her quirky little ways...and my raising of this special little person.
"Know Nappy" - Hair blogs. My goal is to grow my and my daughter's natural hair as healthy and long as possible. With all that's going on in my life right now...I need something to strive for that I can control. My hair is one of them. A small thing to some, but I've never been able to grow my hair past my shoulders. I'm aiming for my booty! lol.
"Know-Know" - This heading will be used to write about my professional life. Yes, I am currently unemployed, but I own my own business (partnership with lil sis). This is where I will blog about my struggles in the world of "the unemployed" AND the "self-employed". Being unemployed sucks and those who are in here with me can attest to that, but there is a joy and excitement in owning my own business. Watching this grow from its infancy will be fun...and I hope...a GREAT SUCCESS STORY.
Ok. This is the first blog entry. We'll see what else I can come up with as time goes on. I have hopes that one day, hopefully not too far away from today, I will look back at these posts and marvel at how far I've come.
Let me give you the basics:
Gender: Female; Age: 34; Race: Black/African-American; Height: 5'10; Weight: 285 (weren't expecting THAT kind of honesty, huh? Keep reading.)...
2010 has been a year of major changes in my life. My first (and only) child was born in January (a girl), I lost my job in March (never even got off maternity leave), lost my mom in August, moved into a new apartment in August...had no idea what this would do to my morale and self-esteem. Other things have happened, but these are the major hitters for this year.
I'm going to organize my thoughts by titling my blogs according to my subject matters. That way if you are not interested in reading about my natural hair drama (been naturally curly for more than ten years), then you can skip that blog and go to my "new mommy" blog. Or if you are in the mood to read into my sometimes twisted mind...feel free to just go to my general blog about any-and-everything through my eyes.
Titles:
"Sistah Know" - This will be the title of my main blog. NO telling what's going to be in here.
"Mama Know" - These will cover my adventures into motherhood. My daughter is a little character and I look forward to sharing her quirky little ways...and my raising of this special little person.
"Know Nappy" - Hair blogs. My goal is to grow my and my daughter's natural hair as healthy and long as possible. With all that's going on in my life right now...I need something to strive for that I can control. My hair is one of them. A small thing to some, but I've never been able to grow my hair past my shoulders. I'm aiming for my booty! lol.
"Know-Know" - This heading will be used to write about my professional life. Yes, I am currently unemployed, but I own my own business (partnership with lil sis). This is where I will blog about my struggles in the world of "the unemployed" AND the "self-employed". Being unemployed sucks and those who are in here with me can attest to that, but there is a joy and excitement in owning my own business. Watching this grow from its infancy will be fun...and I hope...a GREAT SUCCESS STORY.
Ok. This is the first blog entry. We'll see what else I can come up with as time goes on. I have hopes that one day, hopefully not too far away from today, I will look back at these posts and marvel at how far I've come.
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