My mama was a praying mama. I remember mornings going into mama's room; usually to ask a question about something I already knew or could easily find out myself, but just HAD to ask Mama because it was easier.
Opening the door and peeking my head in usually found mama near her closet picking out clothes for the day or even sitting on the bed watching TV. However, many mornings I found her kneeling by the side of her bed with her head bowed. I was never sure if she realized I'd walked in on her at that moment, but I always knew not to say a word because we were taught to respect conversations with God.
My lil sister and I were what we referred to as "church kids". Mama had us in church up to three or four times per week for whatever. Girl Scouts, usher board...services...you name it; if there was a service, or one of the limited activities for the youth, we were there.
I've only stepped foot inside of a church for a service one time this year: for my mama's funeral.
Some people would not understand what turns me off from going to church, but I was never comfortable even as a child. I had too many run-ins with nastiness and hypocrisy; and the adults were even worse. I loved music, and although I attended a church with one of the best choirs around with voices straight from heaven...the people behind the voices were often unfriendly and nasty. Being a part of the choir was out of the question. My already low self-esteem would have taken brutal beatings constantly. Yea, even as a child. There was no environment of encouragement where I attended church during my youth. I wasn't a member of the right family and they weren't letting anyone in not related by blood or some other unseen element that I never possessed.
I am no longer angry or bitter over my "church girl" childhood, but as a grown-up, I cringe at the thought of putting my own daughter through it. She's a friendly, happy baby and I know she's going to encounter issues because that's a part of life, but if I can spare her the sort of hurt I experienced during my childhood (many more besides just that as a "church girl")...Then that's my goal.
I will always love gospel music and the peace I feel inside the walls (away from many of the people) during a good church service; even though I'm not 100% in agreement with many of the teachings.
My knees ache from bending so much lately because I'm not only a Praying Woman...I'm also a a Praying Mama like my mama was. I hope I'm the type of mama to teach my daughter about God's love; it's unconditional and complete without judgment or hatred. This can be done through actions. If by chance my daughter gets up to size and indicates that she wants to try attending a church, I will encourage her and even go with her; however, at this point, I don't see myself raising her as a "church girl" per se. I want her to be around a variety of people of a variety of faiths...
Prayer was my mama's peace and mine as well. She had a tough life, but her faith inspired all who came into contact with her. Even though I'm not one to attend church on a regular basis, I do have a relationship with God. One that's as unique as I am and maybe even a little controversial for some:
I consider myself a Pagan Christian. Not very common, and I hate labels, but this one fits me at this time. Yea, I may evolve or change, but it is what it is right now.
Do you attend church regularly? Even as a child? What is your fondest memory or experience with faith?
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